Here Are Your Weekly Horoscopes For December 18-24

Welcome to the holidays, Betches. This week brings lots of cheer, family time, high-calorie foods, and (most importantly) alcohol.

Aries

‘Tis the season to spend all your money on gifts to prove to your loved ones that you care about them, Aries. It can be tempting to literally bankrupt yourself in the name of Christmas, but remember that your family is obligated to like you, even if all you can afford to get them this year is a mug with your face on it. After all, they’re the ones who would have to chip in on your rent after you maxed out all your cards on gifts.

Taurus

There are a lot of great things about going home for the holidays, but running into people you hate from high school is not one of them. It is, however, inevitable. The harder you try to avoid that one girl you were best frenemies with senior year of high school, the more likely you are to see her with her new fiancé while you’re attempting to hungover order iced coffee in your neighborhood Starbucks. In this particular situation, the only defense is a good offense. Go out of your way to look picture perfect the entire time you’re home. When you do see these people who should have had the decency to drop off the face of the Earth after 2010, make it seem like the most exciting thing to happen to you all year. Then, as soon as humanly possible, get your ass on a plane and get out of there.

Gemini

It’s been a wild year, Gemini and, against all odds, you’ve been incredibly good. Like, anyone else in your circumstance probably would have gone full at any given time over the past 12 months, but you really held your shit together. Which means, inevitably, that you’re overdue to go home and get embarrassingly blacked out at your hometown bar, surrounded by people that you haven’t spoken to since the exact same thing happened last Christmas. It’s okay, you’ve earned this. Drink those Long Islands with pride and hold your head high as you walk off the dance floor after making out with the guy that you were in love with from sophomore year history class. ‘Tis the season, right?

Cancer

Some recent and significant changes have you feeling a bit jumpy this week, Cancer. Generally, we’d say change is the worst and that you should immediately revert to whatever lifestyle you’d been living previously, but it looks like whatever you’re doing right now might be considered “progress.” In light of that, keep fucking doing it. Sometimes being scared out of your mind means you’re doing the right thing. Definitely not always, that’d be a really bad marker for your decisions, but in this case it’s working. Keep moving forward and see if you can learn to love the new things in your life. If not, you can always dump them after the holidays.

Leo

It can be really tempting to hit up exes when you’re home for the holidays, but this is the year that you resist, Leo. Why? Because you’re a grown-ass independent woman who has taken the last 11 months to mature. Also, because your exes are gross and you never really feel all that great after you hit them up. This year, opt to hang out with old friends, catch up with relatives, start working on your memoir—literally anything but sending a “wyd?” to your high school boyfriend. Trust us.

Virgo

You have one focus going into this week, Virgo, and that is family. The past couple weeks have been a bit tumultuous, and the idea of being home and pampered is exactly what you need to recover. Is there anything truly more healing than lounging on your parents’ couch while your mom cooks for you? No, I really don’t think so. Leave the horrifying antics of your day-to-day life on the sidelines and fully revel in the fact that you can be a kid again, even if it’s only for a few days.

Libra

Thank god for the holidays, because there’s nothing you need more than a break right now, Libra. Between work and the seemingly limitless supply of drama your friend group creates, you need about three days’ worth of sleep before you’re back to your old self. Some advice: this holiday season, get yourself the greatest gift of all and just turn off your phone. A few days without any distractions or social media clutter will do wonders for your mental health.

Scorpio

It’s like, could there BE anything more stressful than the holiday season? Well, yeah, probably every other part of 2017, but that’s beside the point. What we’re getting at here, Scorpio, is that you need to calm the fuck down. Yes, the holidays are hectic and forced time with your family can seem bleak, but we promise nothing is going to be as bad as you’re making it out to be in your head. Hot take: You do in fact like your family. You like not working. You like getting gifts. All of these things mean that you may actually find yourself enjoying the week ahead. Drink some of your parents’ wine and try to breathe.

Sagittarius

This will be a week of reunions, but—wait for it—they actually might not suck. You’ll be pleasantly surprised by the people you reconnect with while you’re home for the holidays, and we’re not talking about that one guy that you blackout hooked up with last year after a night out with high school friends. Old friends, old flames—anything is possible. Be sure to always be looking on point when you leave the house; you never know who you’re going to need to impress.

Capricorn

Someone is definitely lacking in holiday spirit this year, Capricorn. I mean, it’s easy to understand, considering 2017 has been a wasteland of suffering and malcontent, but like… could you try and lighten up a bit? For the next week, just forget that Trump is president and that North Korea is trying to bomb us or that the internet might cease to exist as we know it. Just focus on family, friends, and the multitude of drinking opportunities that the holiday presents. The only way to get through this ordeal that we call America is with a smile on your face and a glass of something alcoholic in your hand. God speed.

Aquarius

You’re likely feeling some anxiety about going home this week considering that you’re the absolute worst at doing basic things like calling your family members back or purchasing gifts in a timely manner. It’s okay, Aquarius, we’ve all been there. Your family will be excited to see you no matter what, probably even more so considering you’re the prodigal child who hasn’t responded to a text in two months. Make it up to everyone by being super present and the life of the party all week. So, you know, your usual self.

Pisces

After the last few months, you’ve earned a blissful holiday season, Pisces. You’ve been through the ringer and back and somehow still managed to keep a smile on your face and an impeccably decorated tree in your apartment. For that, we salute you. In light of that, this is a week for treating yourself. Let no cookie go untouched, no sale go ignored. You have earned a couple days of zero impulse control, and there’s no better time to take advantage then when you’re home and your mom can enable you. Moderation is for January, right?

 

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