Don’t Freak Out But The Republicans Just Passed Their Tax Thing

There’s nothing to truly get you into the Christmas spirit like getting betch-slapped by a giant lump of coal. On Tuesday afternoon, the House and Senate passed the final version of the GOP tax bill, which many are concerned will massively fuck over the lives of the middle and working class. Lest we forget, it’s still 2017 and the world is still both figuratively and literally on fire.

That tiny kerplunk sound you hear is Paul Ryan’s raging hard-on hitting the House floor, overjoyed and relieved that his life’s work is finally moving forward. Ryan, Trump and the Republicans have been pushing this tax plan v hard, insisting that tax cuts will benefit the middle class. Spoiler alert: they won’t. The bill has been widely criticized as favoring the wealthy (shocker) and providing the largest tax cuts to the rich and corporations. Hm, Donald Trump is very rich and has his name slapped on a bunch of buildings, golf clubs, and companies. Huh, could that be why he supports this bill?!

Who Wins?

With the proposed changes to the tax plan, the ones coming out on top are businesses, the commercial property industry, the extremely wealthy, and rich-ass parents who can afford to send their kids to private schools. The plan relies on a false expectation of a trickle-down effect, which, when it comes to the way the mega-rich Trump supporters treat the working class, is as likely to succeed as my desperate attempt to contour like Kim K without looking like I’m wearing Halloween makeup. It’s also a massive win for the GOP and the sentient ball of hot gas running this country. After their attempted repeal of Obamacare flopped bigly, getting major legislation passed by the end of Trump’s first year in office was an essential victory. Please excuse me while I come to terms with the fact that it’s been almost an entire year of waking up each day with a sense of existential dread. **

Who Gets Fucked Over?

If you’re not rich, this bill is basically a giant middle finger in your face (if you are rich, feel free to slide into my DMs). Even though it will look like more money is hitting your direct deposit every month, those tax cuts are set to expire in 2025. Families living in high-cost, high-tax states like New York and California are also going to face major troubles with the new plan. Since they were still butthurt over the Obamacare repeal failing, the GOP also made sure to include a provision in the tax plan that eliminates the Affordable Care Act’s tax penalty for failing to have health insurance. This will leave an estimated 13 million people without health insurance, so you’re not actually being too dramatic – Trump’s presidency may literally kill us. The bill also adds a sneaky measure to open drilling in Alaska and parts of the Arctic that had been protected since the 60s. First you come for my taxes, then you jeopardize my right to yell, “Not now, arctic puffin!” every Christmas by threatening their extinction. Bah fucking humbug to you, GOP.

Now What?

Even though the bill passed in both the House and Senate on Tuesday, it’s up for a revote in the House this morning thanks to some obscure loophole that violates something called the “Byrd Rule.” One thing wrong with the bill was that they gave it the wrong fucking name, which is like losing points for forgetting to write your name on the SAT. The revote is a nice stalling tactic, but it’s highly unlikely to have any impact on the outcome of the vote, seeing as the Tuesday vote passed by a cushy margin of 227 to 203 votes.

The most notable thing here is how viciously opposed the public is to the tax plan. The bill’s approval rating is extremely low and not a single Democratic representative voted yes in either chamber. Tons of protesters also showed up to the votes, chanting, “kill the bill, don’t kill us!” Paul Ryan bragged in a speech, “Today, we are giving the people of this country their money back. This is their money, after all,” to which a protester in the viewing gallery promptly yelled, “You’re lying!” Yas girl! CALL ** HIM ** ON ** HIS ** BULLSHIT.

If the bill passes the revote today (which is v likely), Trump has promised to aggressively gloat give a press conference later this afternoon. Can someone watch it for me and give me a quick synopsis? I’ll probably be blacked out by then as I try to grapple with the fact that a corrupt, lying, reality TV star actually got something accomplished in office and this nightmare won’t end when the clock strikes 2018.

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